Waking up with a heavy heart, I felt triggered by insecurity that’s been weighing on me for years. As I wandered around the house wondering why it felt so heavy, it dawned on me that it wasn’t just a direct result from one situation but a burden that I’ve carried for so long without even knowing it.

The other day at church the pastor preached a message about finding the root of your insecurities. That thing that drives how you feel and react. In my case, I hold too much value in others’ opinions and what they think of me. So much that it can absolutely crush me at times.

And after hearing that message, I looked back in my life trying to find the root cause of this. At first it had been buried so deep in my memories that I struggled to find it. But then it became so clear there was no denying.

One of my root causes goes back to school days, when kids would make fun and call me names. I still remember how they talked about me and laughed right in front of my face as if I wasn’t even there. And I didn’t realize how much that would play a role in my later adult life. I thought changing schools, switching to online, “glowing up” would change me enough so that I wouldn’t have to live in that hurt anymore. But little did I know I was still carrying it with me, as it continuously shows up, rearing its ugly head in ways I didn’t even know were a result from it.

Then as I worried about losing someone else once again, feeling heavy beneath the weight I realized it wasn’t even because of my current situation that I felt like this. Turned out that wasn’t even it at all, just a fear and insecurity that crept up in me again. This was a result of others who had done that in years past. Each time someone would leave things unfinished, never to give any closure or tell me what happened, the sting from that burned the same place so much that it left a hole I’ve been trying to fill with acceptance from others.

I thought with those people I had moved on and made peace with it, but really I just tucked that insecurity deep in my bag, continuing to carry it with me.

And some days it’s fine, but others I find myself wandering, heavy from the weight of the bag that I never let go of.

I’m not sure where you are in life, or what that insecurity is for you that plays such a major part in how you go about your day to day and situations in which it flares up again. But just like how I did, I encourage you to find that root cause of it. It may be buried deep beneath things and difficult to find, but search within the memories of your life and you will better understand why that insecurity is so prevalent even in today’s time.

But after you find it, let’s not leave it there. I know it will be a work in progress, but let’s take hold of that root and pull it up so it no longer holds ground in your life. Although it can be so easy to do so, you aren’t meant to live in this burden that buried itself deep in your life.

Pull those weeds from the root, make real final peace with it, and plant flowers in their place that will grow into something beautiful. We aren’t designed to be living in the weeds but in the garden where God has called us to be.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses,
let us throw off everything that hinders 
and the sin that so easily entangles. 
And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 
Hebrews 12:1

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. 
John 8:32 

I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. 

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