'but I'm a sunflower, a little funny, if I were a rose, maybe you'd want me'
This post has been on my mind for a while now... I've literally waited since October of last year for the right photos to go with that lyric. And now that I have them, I've put off writing this post for a couple months. I think part of me is scared of what I've wanted to write about. While I have grown in ways that brought wisdom and understanding, there's still part of me that cowers at rejection.
Last year, I almost lost myself in the face of rejection. People said things to and about me, things meant to hurt and bring me down. When others couldn't own up to their own faults, they'd point their fingers, all while walking towards the door. I didn't understand, first, why people had to leave. It's been a reoccurring cycle in my life for people to meet me, act like they liked me, then go ghost out of nowhere. I grew tired of it and began asking for answers. But it turned out, those 'answers' didn't hold any viable weight. Because rarely can people speak the truth these days.
Being rejected is no easy thing. Whether it's from a person, a job, an opportunity... it all hurts one way or another. And it can be an automatic reflex to question 'what's wrong with me' before even seeing the situation for what it is. No matter how cheesy it sounds, a rejection is a blessing. Things don't work out, not because you're not good enough, but because there's something better for you waiting on the other side of this.
You see, last October I thought that what people said and thought about me defined who I was. I thought people and things falling through meant that I must not be good enough. But the truth of the matter is, those people don't know the first thing about me. And if they're not willing to stick around in my life, then that leaves a space for someone and something better. Turned out that they're the ones who perceived themselves as not good enough, so they gave up, and left.
But the best thing about it is that has nothing, and everything, to do with me. Nothing was wrong with me, they just didn't like the things that were right about me. People don't want to change. They run when faced with a chance to level up, to grow, to do better. If someone thinks they're not good enough for you, they'll be the first one out the door, with one glance back in attempt to turn it back on you. It's the hard truth that I had to learn not only last year but any time this type of thing happens.
So what would I tell you, when you're standing at a crossroad, face to face with rejection and unsure of what to do next?
1 - Take a breath
When things fall apart, when people leave, when opportunities go under, we tend to think that everything has to happen all at once. A decision needs to be made, something needs to be said, not only is our present altered but the future that we had planned is too. But before you do anything, remember to breathe. You will have more clarity, understanding, and the right words and game plan when you take a breath and think before doing.
2 - This doesn't define you
While this may seem like a completely life altering moment, and while it may be in a sense, it doesn't change who you are. You are a fighter. You are good enough. You have a wide skill-set and talents that can take you further than you think. That person or thing you lost doesn't change that.
3 - Something better is coming
If you thought that person was your soulmate or best friend, or this was your dream job, and it didn't work out how you planned, can you imagine how much greater it will be when the right thing does? There is someone or something out there that will be a better match for you. This plan fell through, so that a better one can make its way into your life. Trust the reroutes.
4 - This is your saving grace
It can be hard to see the bad in something that you once thought was the best for you. But this rejection could be saving you from a number of things. Maybe that person or thing you wanted it to work out with would have pressured you into something that didn't sit well with you. If it had continued as it was, it could lead to an unhappy marriage down the road, a miserable work life, or a life that you didn't enjoy in general. This is saving you from what's not right for you.
5 - Remember what you do have
When you lose something, it's easy to focus solely on that and forget what's around you. There are other people in your life that care far more about you, there's other activities that you love to do, there's a roof over your head and food to eat. Count your blessings and appreciate what you still have.
6 - Take time to heal and grow
Something people always say is that it just takes time. And I've found that to be true in most everything. Feelings, while they may be wildly present right now, do eventually fade. It takes time to feel okay again. You don't have to drown yourself in other things to try to take the pain away. Feel what you need to feel, it's all in the healing. Take your time, and know that it will be okay. Maybe not now, but it will be.
7 - Forgive
I know firsthand how easy it is to jump straight from feeling sad to being bitter about the situation. In attempt to block out the pain, you instead turn to hate. All you can think is that person or thing screwed you over and how mad you are about it. I know, I've been there, still fall in and out of it even to this day. But it's not healthy for you to dwell on it. To actually be able to solidly move forward and be okay with things, forgiving the person or the thing for what they did and how they affected you is crucial in the healing.
8 - Turn to what's best, not just what's easy
To follow up with that, it can be easy not only to feel bitter but to turn to outside things that don't actually help. We love to pull at distractions to hold our focus so that we don't have to think about the situation. Some turn to other people, drinking, partying, drugs, constantly staying busy. While no it's not good to just sit there and think about it, it's worse to indulge in things that aren't best for you. Turn to activities that grow you as a person, have real conversations with people about what you're experiencing, open up the Bible and turn on the worship music and have an open and honest heart to heart with God about all of this. Trust me, you'll feel a lot better than if you just went and wasted away fleeting time.
9 - Let this make you better
There's a lot to learn and take in during times of rejection. On the other side of this is more wisdom and understanding, if you let it change you for the better. I love reading Lysa TerKeurst's book Uninvited when I'm going through times like this. One of the tips she gives is "Don't let this heartbreak destroy you. Let this breaking actually be the making of you. Let God use it in good ways to make you stronger and take you further."
10 - 'Things are falling into place, rather than falling apart.'
Another great quote from Lysa TerKeurst's book Uninvited. This is the book that I read when I experienced that heavy rejection last year, and even this year as I went through yet another rejection, I opened it back up and it led me right to what I needed to read. It may feel like things are falling apart, but believe me when I say that this is just the beginning of a better story for your life.
I know that rejection is hard. And there's not an easy handbook that can just take it all away. But I hope that these tips helped at least a bit. Over time it's been easier to see clearly how the things I wanted weren't what was right for me. A job that I thought would be great turned out to be a stressful month of work I didn't love and couldn't wait to get out of, but it did still give valuable experience.
While things may seem all bad, there is some good still tucked in every rejection, every thing that doesn't work out quite as planned.
About a month ago, I found myself overwhelmed by the sting of rejection again. But this time it was different. A person that I was already hurt by in the past. So I stayed at arms length, knew I couldn't fully trust, yet a sliver of hope still slipped through. I knew I wasn't being told the truth, but I couldn't help but think how great it would be if it really worked out this time.
I knew it wasn't right, this wasn't the person for me. My gut even knew, feeling nauseous just being with that person. But for a moment I let myself fall, only to hit the ground when I was told by the person himself that we weren't right for each other.
While it hurt all over again, and I didn't know how to lose a person twice, all throughout I've been able to see the good in it. Not only would my time have been wasted on someone not right for me, but it withheld a potential space for someone who is. It was also a distraction from what I was doing and where I wanted to go in my life and career. If it hadn't worked out the way it did, I was going to have settled for someone who wanted a life completely different from what I want.
And it's taken until now, to really see and appreciate how thankful I am that it didn't work out how I had temporarily wanted. There's a reason for every hurt. I've been looking for the reason in this, and I think I just found it. ♡
"And even when it don't make sense, I'm gonna let Your Spirit lead."
And we know that all things work together for good to those that love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28
♡
Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
Ephesians 3:20-21
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