These days feel a lot like living in neutral - both with outfits like this and life itself.

Three months ago, I was driving home thinking life couldn't get much better or even much worse. How could it, when everything felt so perfect? Nothing could change that, right?

Fast forward to the other night a couple days ago, and it felt like everything was the complete opposite of perfect. All I could see was how it's all just out of control.

The world feels like it gets crazier by the day. People are arguing and can't see eye to eye because of differing opinions. Relationships are being strained. Seems like every time I blink, a marriage is ending. I've given up on dating because the guys I like never like me. People that I love with my whole heart are tired of living. Everyone around me isn't happy. I'm not happy. And I wish there was something I could do to change that.

I've never really been one to show how I'm feeling. And because of that, things often build and build until I'm collapsing under the pressure of all the emotions from everything at once. Still I don't show it until I'm alone. I have to stay strong for everyone else.

So in between those times when it's all at once, I live in the neutral, gliding through life trying to do enough and be enough. My soul craves big dreams and adventures and a life outside of my comfort zone, but fear stops me every time. It keeps me in neutral.

Fear leads me to question what will people think? I could disappoint someone else by living my own dreams. What if I can't do it as well as I believed? What happens when shifting out of neutral means leaving? I always say how sad I am that people don't go after their dreams, but here I am doing the same thing.

And I've come to the point where I'm pacing back and forth in the kitchen at 12:00 am trying to keep myself from completely falling apart because I thought this year I was finally doing better but now I'm feeling that very thing that held me in my own head all these years and I know I have to do something about it but I just feel so stuck living in this neutral wondering if I'll ever get out.

I don't write this as a cry for pity but rather a space to be honest, after wearing a mask to pretend I'm alright all this time, hoping that maybe if someone reading this feels this way too then they won't feel so alone in it.


The other night I watched a movie that put things into perspective and brought a certain sense of clarity. It's a movie I have seen countless times before but never quite picked up on this. And that's -


I always want to be the best person that I can to everyone, but at what point does it mean giving up on everything I've ever wanted, including my own happiness?
I realize that I need to start making my own decisions despite the fear of all of those things, or continue to live life in neutral.


I've been seeing Psalms 40 talked about a lot online lately. If there's anything you read, let it be verses 1-5.


What comforts and keeps me sane during times of uncertainty is knowing that He has it all under control. He has so much planned for me that I can't even comprehend yet. And I can see it in things that have already happened, like opportunities I couldn't have even thought to ask for but came my way anyways. Things that say "hey, I'm here, I have a plan and you're going to be okay."

I just did a fear vs. faith exercise - writing all of my fears on one side of the page and faith, what I'm capable of on the other side. It's something that I saw on Instagram the other day. I thought my fears would be longer than my faiths, but it turned out the other way around. Because although fear often whispers to my heart, I know the truth. I know that God has a plan. I know who I am. And I know that anything is possible because God can do all things.

So in a life of uncertainty, when fear can easily find its way in, I have to remind myself of these things. Although I love a neutral outfit, I no longer want to continue living life in neutral, but rather a faith filled life that I've always dreamed of. ♡