photos by Brianna Maye Photography | instagram

Some people have looked me in face recently and asked how I'm really doing. I don't know what it is that they can see, but they just nod their head when I say that I'm okay. And it's not that I'm trying to play it off like everything's fine but that I don't really know where to even begin. It's more than a conversation over dinner or facetime. It's real life. And I know it's going to take time. But right about now, I'd just like for something to go right. 

I try to keep the complaints inside, but lately they've been heavy on my mind. While it may be too much to say in a short form conversation, I figured the least I could do is try to write it out. 

My first relationship failed and while I know it wasn't my fault, a part of me thinks it was me and my inability to talk to strangers or make a lot of money...at least that's what he tells me. The first person I tried to date since didn't end up working out. I left each date feeling embarrassed for talking about things I shouldn't have said out loud and being too honest in areas where I shouldn't have been. I know it's not the truth and hate to even write it out but it really just makes me feel like something's wrong with me that nobody will like enough to keep around. I have less than 100 dollars in my bank account and I'm trying not to freak out but I don't know when it will go back over that amount. I try to hold on to faith that God will provide, because He always does at just the right time, but lately I've been afraid to even tithe. People keep inquiring for my business in photography and then cancelling, and I know it's a part of running your own business but sometimes I wish that someone would just go for it. The first and only response that I've gotten for the new business proposals I sent out turned out to be what I believe to be a fake that almost scammed me and potentially even worse. Nothing seems to be going right lately and it just leaves me feeling like a failure in every area. 

So if you've asked or wondered how I'm really doing, those are the things I've been too afraid to say out loud. It's just the honest truth, a look inside my mind. I try to remind myself that times like this that leave me feeling defeated are preparation for better things ahead. I just hope the better comes soon, because it's hard feeling like this. But I'm fighting through and doing the best that I can. 

Thinking about it more, it seems like perfect timing to be feeling this way and writing about it. Maybe this is just my Saturday. The day between Good Friday and Easter, when the hard things have happened and now it's just a matter of feeling hopeless in the in between. The waiting for the good to come but not being able to see through this to really know when. But no matter how hopeless things may feel on this Saturday, I know that there is hope that Sunday is coming. It may be as soon as I want, it may not, but despite how long it takes, Sunday always comes. That's the hope I hold on to. That Saturday won't last forever, and things will get better. 

♡