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As summer comes to its close, many other parts of life do as well. Some think of it as a new start, whether with an upcoming semester of school or a job/career change or even in the relationship department. Things tend to change up in the fall, even if you don't plan on changing. Lately I've been faced with these inner conflicts, two opposing things or feelings that just completely contradict themselves and leave me pretty much in an emotional whirlwind.
There's one end of the spectrum which is where I am currently living in. Easy, moving along slowly, finally getting in the flow of things....it's comfortable. But at the same time it's not comfortable at all. Because there's this other part that's longing for more than just this little comfort zone of a bubble that I have trapped myself in. But the thing is, I am absolutely terrified of the other end of the spectrum. I don't know what it holds, or if it even holds anything at all. But I am also terrified of living like this my whole life and never having seen or experienced anything more.
They say to do the thing that absolutely terrifies you. And let me tell you, it takes so much faith. Not just because it's scary but because more than half the time you won't even know what that thing even is that you're going for. I don't have a clear path. Only this simple, practical one that I have put together for myself. But I'm afraid that once I arrive at the end of this path, I will feel just as desperate for more as I do now.
I'm not sure what the right path holds or even what the next step is. All I know is that tonight I was on my knees whispering "Jesus" in a more desperate plea than I have ever cried before. And I think sometimes He doesn't always answer with a clear voice, or even with a whisper. Sometimes it's just a feeling. God knows people like me, who function a whole lot off of inner feelings. I tend to feel things too much, even if it doesn't always look it on the outside. But because God knows how much I respond to what's going on inside of me, that's the medium through which He personally speaks to me. All it takes is that touch of comfort to know that He's there, He is listening, and I am not alone as I thought before.
So if you're faced with conflict of some sort, or an upcoming decision in which you have no answer to, go get yourself a cute swimsuit and sit out on the beach (or whatever is closest to a beach if you don't live near one) and let life dissolve for a moment. Then come back home, to your personal hiding place, and cry out to Jesus. Cry like you've never cried before. He will provide the answer, even if it's just a feeling of comfort within your heart for the time being.
♡
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